Madonna The Hutt
by Blue Lobster
Summary: Madonna is captured by Jabba The Hutt. What is her fate? Can her survival instincts help her outside the music industry?


Marylebone High Street, London. It was breakfast time in the luxurious accommodation of pop-phenomena Madonna. She laid sprawled across the floor, exhausted and drenched in a thick layer of sweat from her morning ritual of five thousand bench presses. Frustrated at her exhaustion, she called for her ghoulish daughter, Lourdes.

''Yes Mother?'' asked Lourdes, standing in the doorway.

''How many times do I have to tell you NOT to refer to me using that wretched maternal expression! You will refer to me as Your Madgesty, Queen of Pop. Now fetch me breakfast. You know the usual; one carrot, and a shot of eggnog.''

''Yes, your Madgesty. Permission to shave my eyebrows?''

''Permission denied, now go and do your chores.''

Lourdes obeyed without question...she knew not to argue with her mother. The last time she dared to attempt such a feat resulted in a beating, followed by compulsory viewings of 'Desperately Seeking Susan', 'Evita', and selected Madonna tour footage.

As she approached the kitchen, the 80's melodic chime of the doorbell foretold the coming of a visitor. Lourdes opened the door. A slimy, repugnant looking creature shifted through the doorway. He had tentacles bulging from his head.

''I seek Madonna'' said the alien, in a foreign accent.

''Not from England, are you? Hold on, I'll ask the Queen of Pop for an autograph on your behalf.''

Lourdes ascended the grand staircase and informed her mother about the fan.

''Ugh, I hate fans...what country did you say he's from?'' asked Madonna.

''Somewhere foreign, he looks really odd.''

''Ah, it must be some freak from Malawi. Well, I need the good press...I'll speak with him. Hurry up and fetch him you smug little brat.''

Lourdes shuffled uneasily.

''Ughh, nevermind, I'll go myself''

Madonna pushed a ball of wax into her face, so it would look nice and shiny for the paparazzi, and then went to cordially greet her alien visitor. But the moment she laid eyes on his tentacles, she flinched in disgust.

''What the fuck is this thing? Get out of my humble abode. Here's the number of my plastic surgeon.''

''I am Bib Fortuna, majordoma of Jabba The Hutt. I have direct orders to bring you to his Desert Palace. If you refuse, I'll kill all whom you love.''

''Ugh, Lourdes, it's just another crazy fan. Quick, press the security button!''

But it was too late. Fortuna drew his plasma gun and shot at Lourdes. Her body disintegrated into thousands of pieces, collaging the manor with limbs, bones and blood.

''Oh well...I can always adopt another...'' said Madonna. Valuing her own life and self-preservation above ANYTHING, Madonna succumbed to her captors wishes and obediently traveled with him on a spaceship to the planet of Tatooine.

Pigs and other eccentric looking extra-terrestials wasted no time in making Madonna feel at home. They forced her into chains, gave her an enema, and dragged her before the throne of their master, Jabba The Hutt.

''So, we meet at last, Madonna.'' said Jabba extending his long, salivating tongue as a welcoming gesture.

The creature was gargatuan, the end product of thousands of saturated fats, huddled up in a glob of pulsating excess. His humanoid features were reminiscient of a morbidly obese American woman, lying cooly on a couch, awaitng her mother to bring the groceries home.

Ignoring her new master's rather informal greeting, Madonna examined the court; A green Twi'lek dancer shot an envious look at the songstress. Her smooth skin was a sensual delight to all male onlookers, but to Madonna, it only enhanced the twi'lek's aura of jealousy. A chubby singer and her band were performing on stage, too, but Jabba was intently focused on his new employee, and waved at them to be silent. Bib Fortuna stood next to his master, his body language denoting servility and readiness.

Jabba again focused his large eyes on Madonna.

''Madonna Louise Ciccone, you stand accused of treason, plagarism, indecent exposure and crimes against all sentinent beings'' said the mountain of glutton. Sy Snoodle, the corpulent songstress, stormed into view. She was shaking with rage. ''You stole several lyrics and harmonies from my second studio album_, Galactic Love, _and some of my trademark dance moves from my _Feminine Fat E.T. Dancing tour!_ You covetous fool, I'll have you brought before the senate for this!'' Sy Snoogle sneered vindictively, and Jabba shook his head in disgust, as if to affirm the severity of music plagarism. It was a crime taken very seriously on this particular planet.

''Oh my, how awful! One would never hear any of these crimed being perpetrated by the Spice Girls. For shame, woman!'' muttered C3PO, shaking his golden head in disgust. Madonna shot him a furious glare, and he scurried behind Jabba. It gave him a false sense of protection.

''Take her away! She shall be dealt with later'' commanded Jabba. The guards escorted her to a chamber. Madonna danced her eyes to a melody of passive aggression before being dragged out.


End file.
